


Five Times Jensen Tried to Hide His Problems and One Time He Remembered He Didn’t Have To

by Descended_from_Hufflepuffs



Series: "Excuse you, Sir" [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Comforting Jared Padalecki, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Death, Nightmares, Protective Jared Padalecki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29844801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Descended_from_Hufflepuffs/pseuds/Descended_from_Hufflepuffs
Summary: You don't get to be the most dangerous man in the city without gaining a few traumas
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Series: "Excuse you, Sir" [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115513
Comments: 43
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

_ “Shoot him, son.” Alan Ackles watched from the corner, arms crossed and leaning against the wall like he was spectating a baseball game instead of a murder. _

_ Jensen loaded the gun with practiced precision. He’d been practicing the mechanics of such a kill at the gun range for the last few months. Personally, he preferred the attachment of torture but using bullets was a part of the job too. Hopefully, he’d get to do more of the former when he was in charge. _

_ Weapon in hand he turned to face the target. The bastard was a mole, nothing more than a traitor. It didn’t matter that Jason had once been his best friend. He was nothing more than scum. _

_ “Jensen, please!” His cries fell on deaf ears. “They threatened my mom, I couldn’t-” _

_ “Shut up.” _

_ Bang. _

Jensen gasped as he woke. It was still dark out and the clock showed it wasn’t far past midnight. Nightmares were hardly new to him but it had been years since he’d had that one.

He quietly sat up in bed, extracting himself from Jared’s arms. He just needed a few minutes alone and he’d be right as rain. He crept into the ensuite and splashed some cold water on his face. 

_ Breathe. _

_ Calm down. _

_ It’s over. _

Jason had been his first kill. He’d been a lot of other firsts but the kill was the thing he liked to focus on. It was easier than the other things. Regardless, the past is passed. There’s no point in agonizing over it now. Or even thinking about it. It’s pointless, isn’t it?

Then why can’t he stop? Why-

“Jensen?”

Jared was in the doorway, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “What are you doing up? Did you get a call?”

It was an easy out. He could lie, say he had to leave, go for a drive or a walk, and come back when Jared had breakfast ready with a clear head and then actually go to work. But he couldn’t do that, not to him. It was  _ Jared _ . Jared trusted him with so much already, it was only fair he returned the favor.

“No. Just a bad dream, nothing major. I’ll be there in a second.” He waved Jared back to their room. “I just need a minute.”

Jared gave him one of those “I know you’re lying but I’m not sure what about” Looks but nodded and left. It was late and he probably didn’t feel like pushing it, which was great because Jensen wasn’t in the mood for an argument. 

After a few more minutes of meaningless self-pep talks, he turned off the light in the bathroom and joined Jared in bed. He didn’t say anything about Jared not even pretending to be trying to sleep. He didn’t fight off Jared turning him into the little spoon. He didn’t stop Jared from intertwining their fingers where they were clasped. 

“It was about the first time I killed someone,” he murmured, knowing Jared was probably listening. “The target...was a friend. Well, I thought he was a friend. He betrayed me in the worst way. It had to be done but….”

“He was a friend,” Jared finished.

“A little more,” Jensen confessed. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I….”

“You don’t have to. Just remember I’m here.”

“I know you are.” He let himself be snuggled. He could Jared do that for one night.


	2. Chapter 2

Managing both a crime syndicate and a legitimate business empire meant two things. One: Jensen Ackles was a very rich man. Two: Jensen Ackles did not have a lot of free time. Prior to meeting Jared, neither of those things held any real meaning. 

But now Jensen had someone to spend money on. Someone to take to expensive dinners and buy shiny new things for. Someone to spoil and share his luxury with. 

He also had someone to regret not having time for. Someone waiting for him at home or at dinner that might get mad at him if he was late. Someone to make promises to about being home at a reasonable hour and feel the need to grovel to if he was even half an hour late. Someone to apologise to about emergencies that can’t be helped.

Being with Jared made his life better and harder all at the same time. Better, because he has someone to impress and come home to at the end of the day. Harder, because he has someone to disappoint and have the occasional fight with. But they both knew what they were getting into when they started this; there’s no point in complaining now.

This evening, Jensen was preparing for some groveling. He’d told Jared he would be home for dinner, and he really had tried to make that happen, but things came up and now he’s getting in three hours late. He knew Jared would never hold it against him but he felt bad nonetheless. Hopefully the flowers he picked up on the way home would make up for it even a little.

“Jared? I’m home,” he called, shrugging off his coat. “Sorry I’m so late; those meetings can drag on forever.” He heard no response but figured Jared had probably just moved upstairs and went to the kitchen to get some water for the flowers. He noted the plate covered in foil sitting on the counter; Jared was always thinking of things like that. 

Jensen dialed Jared’s phone while he searched for a good vase for the flowers. When the call went to voicemail he froze, almost dropping the vase he’d found. Jared never misses a call from him.  _ What if…. _

No.

No, that’s not it. He would’ve known. There would’ve been signs as soon as he stepped in. He would’ve known. Jared must just be away from his phone, that’s all. He could be in the shower. Or maybe he was already asleep. He was worrying over nothing.

Everything’s fine.

_ You’ve thought that before. _

He shook his head again. No. That couldn’t be it. Not again.

~~~~~~~~~

_ “Dad? I finished that deal early. You said we had more training to do?” No answer. That was weird; Dad was usually waiting downstairs for him when he got home. _

_ He wandered through the ground floor, checking every room once and a few of them twice. No sign of his dad anywhere, not even in the library. That didn’t have to mean anything; he could just be working in the study. But Jensen knew something was off. The house was quiet. Too quiet…. _

~~~~~~~~~

Why was everything so quiet? It was late enough for the staff to have gone home but he could usually hear the TV or one of Jared’s music apps going, even if it was quiet. The house was damn near silent aside from the wind outside. Why was the house so fucking silent?

“Jared? Everything okay?” He carried the vase upstairs and tried calling again. No response on either end. 

Okay. This was still fine. He was probably just asleep or listening with his headphones instead of a speaker. He always used the speaker because he wanted Jensen to dance with him but maybe he wants to switch things up. A personal playlist or something. It was fine.

It was the lighting that made that patch of wood paneling look like it was splattered with blood. He just needed to change a bulb….

“Jared?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

_ “Dad? Where are you?” He saw the dark stains in the carpet. He decided to ignore them for now. Anyone could’ve spilled anything. Things were fine. If there was a problem, he would’ve known before he even set foot in the door. _

_ Where was everybody? The house should be buzzing with energy by now…. _

_ “Dad?” The study was the only other place he could be. Jensen idly noticed the doorknob was scuffed and not shiny like usual. That should’ve been a huge red flag. _

_ But it was okay he missed it. Because he got a bigger red flag when he opened the door. A red flag the size of the entire study, blotchy and splattered all over the place. His father lay face down in the middle of it, surrounded by a pool of it. One big red flag. _

_ “Dad….” _

~~~~~~~~~~~

Why wasn’t Jared answering? Could he not hear him? There must be a reason, a logical reason, why Jared, who was very much alive, couldn’t hear him. There just had to be.

Nothing in the library. Nothing in the study. Nothing in the rec room. Their bedroom as the only other option.

“Jared?” He called once more. WHen had his voice gotten so frantic? There was nothing wrong, there couldn’t be anything wrong. He knew there was nothing wrong because he would’ve known before he even set foot in the door. He’d gotten so much better at this. He knew what was going on in his own fucking house.

He wrenched open the door to their bedroom. “Jared!”

~~~~~~~~~~

_ “Jensen!” Two of his father’s men came rushing in behind him. “Jensen, we’re sorry. It was a ambush, there must be a mole, there’s no other way he could have-” _

_ “Who did this?” His voice sounded strange to his own ears. He felt detached from reality, like he was watching everything from the outside looking in. It made some things very clear as he picked out small details that told him almost everything he needed to know. _

_ “We aren’t sure but-” _

_ “Get the others. Round up the Inner Circle; one of them would know who had the guts and the means to pull this off so effortlessly.” He rattled off orders like a drill sergeant. A true leader. Just like Dad was training him to be. “I’ll start handling my father’s personal affairs. I’ll leave it to you to see to it that news of my father’s death doesn’t escape until we’re ready.” _

_ “Yessir.” _

_ Jensen was only eighteen but that didn’t matter. He knew his father’s empire was to be left to him in its entirety. He just had to prove he was worthy of it. _

_ His father failed to keep the house safe, failed to keep himself safe, failed to keep the business safe. _

_ Jensen wouldn’t make the same mistakes. _

~~~~~~~~~

“Jen?” Jared took off his headphones. He’d been wearing headphones. Headphones that were attached to a laptop. He’d been watching something on his laptop. “Jensen? Is everything okay?” His phone was on the side table, just out of his peripheral vision. That’s why he didn’t answer; he couldn’t hear.

Jared was fine.

Jared was completely fine.

He just had no regard for Jensen’s sanity.

“Jensen?” As Jared set his laptop aside, Jensen realized he’d been standing in the doorway saying absolutely nothing for way too long. 

He cracked a smile that looked better than it felt. “I’m sorry I’m so late. Something came up,” was all the explanation he offered. He stepped closer to bed and leaned down to kiss his cheek. “I’m gonna shower, okay?”

Jared nodded, looking at him strangely. “Okay….” He picked his phone up off the side table as Jensen walked into the bathroom. He was probably just checking his email before going to bed. Jared did things like that.

When he came out, Jared was still awake. The laptop was by the food on the bed and he sat cross legged on the edge of the mattress with his phone in his hands. “Twenty missed calls from you in the last twenty minutes,” he said. It wasn’t a question; it barely qualified as a statement. 

“I wasn’t sure where you were,” he answered simply. “I did try shouting for you but that didn’t yield sufficient results.”

“These calls are back to back. Even if I had seen them, I barely would’ve had time to call back.” Jared pet the mattress next to him, a clear invitation. “Why did you call me twenty times?”

“I couldn’t wait to hear your voice.” Jensen ignored the invitation in favor of checking his own email. His little freak out didn’t matter now, none of it did. It was past; they didn’t need to worry about it.

“Bullshit,” Jared spat. 

Jensen’s head snapped up to look at him. Jared rarely used that tone with him and usually he only did it when something was wrong. He’s not sure what he did wrong this time though….

“Why did you call me twenty times?”

He really didn’t remember calling that much, but it makes sense that he did. Jared always had his phone on him; it was pretty much a guaranteed way to keep in touch with him. Only this time it didn’t work. Twenty times.

“Why?”

“You didn’t answer me,” was all he could say. It was the truth. “I got home, and it was really quiet, and you didn’t answer me. I was just concerned.” No, he wasn’t paranoid. He wasn’t living in the past. He’d gotten over the fact that his father died alone in his own home. He was fine.

Jared was fine; Jensen was fine.

Jared seemed to take that answer for now, holding his arms up for hugs. “I’m sorry I worried you,” he murmured, kissing his neck. “I just found this docu series on youtube and I got sucked in. I’ve been watching it since dinner.”

That was so like Jared. “Must’ve been good then.” He smiled and kissed Jared properly. “I love you.”

Jared smiled. “I love you too. Are you feeling okay now?”

“I’m feeling great.” Jared was safe; why wouldn’t he be? “Why don’t you tell me about this ‘docu series’ that was more important than answering my calls?”

Jared rolled his eyes but smiled and got his laptop. “So there’s this thing called Buzzfeed Unsolved….” They got comfortable under the blankets, Jared’s head tucked under his chin, as let the mystery play out on screen.

Jared was fine.

Jared was safe.

Jensen didn’t fail him.

He could live with that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't gonna update this yet but I had an unexpected burst of muse for and I almost have the whole thing written at this point so here have some angst mixed with horrible communication skills

“No.”

“Jensen, I just-”

“I said no. It’s a bad idea.”

“Why? Just give me one good reason why.”

“Because it’s too dangerous.” It wasn’t the first time they had this talk and Jensen doubted it would be the last. It never changed though. Ever since Jared made the decision to sell the coffee shop, he’d been itching for something else to do, thus resulting in these talks.

Jared wanted to apply for a job somewhere. Jensen thought it was too dangerous for him to work. He didn’t see a need for it either; he made more than enough money to provide for both of them to live luxuriously. Jared insisted he didn’t want to be a kept boy and it was more the principle of the thing, to earn something for himself. Jensen suggested taking a job at one of his companies. Jared said that contradicted the point. They’d go in circles for a while. Jensen would say he had somewhere to be and they’d talk about it another time. Rinse and repeat.

They really were too stubborn for their own good.

“You always say that. Could you give a different reason for once?”

“Okay, how’s this: I need to be able to keep an eye on you.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were talking about an unruly child,” Jared snapped. “What is the big deal about me getting a job? You already have a bodyguard to protect me, I’m willing to work just part time so I wouldn’t even be out for that long, and it’ll give me something to do besides just lounge around the house all day doing nothing.”

Jensen shook his head, already planning the end of this iteration of the discussion. “Why don’t you just do something from home? Like an Etsy shop or a podcast or something. Isn’t that the big thing of today’s world, being your own boss?”

Jared groaned in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose.. “That’s not- It’s not about making money, Jensen. It’s about having a purpose and not drivng myself crazy staying inside this house all fucking day!”

“You want to get out of the house? I can send you anywhere in the world. You can go to Rome or Great Britain or anywhere else you might want.”

“So sending me halfway across the world is fine but I can’t work at the bookstore down the street?!” Jared looked absolutely gobsmacked. “Jen, I know you get worried about me being out there, especially after the Pellegrino business but-”

“Great, we understand each other. So you’re not going to work and we’ll figure out a world tour for your cabin fever.” His mother used to love traveling the world, even if it was a cover for being out of harm’s way; Jared would come to love it too if he gave it a chance. “I have to go now but-”

“Jensen- No, you can’t just-” Jared grabbed his arm. “You can’t just keep deflecting this conversation. I love you and I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with but we need to talk about this. Why won’t you let me do this?”

_ Because the last time I let you out of my sight you could’ve been killed. _

_ Because I piss people off every day and you’re vulnerable because of it. _

_ Because the thought of something happening to you when I’m not around makes me sick. _

_ Because if you’re here I know you’re safe. _

_ Because you make me feel like a human and I can’t lose that. _

_ Because you worry me beyond belief. _

_ Because if anything ever happened to you I’d never recover. _

“I just get worried about you sometimes, you know that. It’s what I do.” Jensen smiled and kissed his cheek. “We’ll talk more later, okay?”

“Jen-”

“I gotta go. I love you.” He kissed Jared again.

“...I love you too.”

One day, Jared would understand. He had to.

He just had to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short little thing before some major angst in the next chapter.

Jensen hated getting blood on his clothes, which is why he rarely handled these interrogations himself. But sometimes a job required an expert’s touch. And sometimes Jensen just needed to let out a little extra energy. Once in a blue moon, those needs aligned and that’s when the real fun began.

“You really went to town on that one,” Sheppard commented as they left the building. He’d mostly stayed out of it, like he could sense Jensen needed that space for himself. He appreciated that about his friend. So perceptive.

“I had a lot of energy and the bastard deserved it anyway. When are people gonna learn you can’t fuck with Jensen Ackles?” It’d certainly take more time if they didn’t make it very clear what happened if you did.

“Must’ve been a lot of energy. Poor sod almost died before we got anything good out of him. It’s not like you to take a risk like that.”

“Sheppard, when I need therapy I’ll pay a professional for it.”

“I know that. But, as a friend, I think I’m allowed to worry.”

“As much as I appreciate it, mind your business.” Jensen smiled tightly and opened the trunk of the Impala, grabbing the duffel bag of spare shirts to change into before he got home. 

“Of course. I wouldn’t have said anything except Jared-”

“I know. Mind your business.”

Of course, Jared would say something. Because that’s just the kind of person Jared was. Jared was worried about Jensen, so he reached out to someone who knew Jensen as well as he did. Someone who had a miniscule chance of getting him to talk, because he probably needed to.

But that meant he couldn’t say anything because ultimately it would get back to Jared and that would negate the whole point of him being here. He wasn’t avoiding Jared necessarily but he was avoiding a few conversations and maybe he should be having those conversations but he really just wasn’t in the mood. They could talk another day.

“Sheppard?” he called just before getting in the car.

“Yes, Jensen?”

“Do us both a favor and don’t interfere with my personal business. I respect you and in any matter related to my business, I will trust you 100%. But my relationships are not your concern. Do I make myself clear?”

“...Yes, sir.”

“Good.” He got in the driver’s seat and headed back home. Back to Jared. His wonderful, meddlesome Jared. Maybe one day they would have those conversations that they probably need to have. But for now, he just wanted to drive home, wash the blood off, and have a nice, dreamless sleep.

Those conversations could wait one more day, right?


	5. Chapter 5

Jensen was sitting in his home office going over reports. He knew it was late but Jared was in the library reading so it would be a while before he had to worry about going to bed. He just needed a few minutes to verify everything and then he could stop worrying about it. He totally wasn’t just avoiding going to bed so he wouldn’t have to deal with the nightmares. He wasn’t avoiding Jared either; why would he want to do something like that? He just wanted to get this done, that’s all. It was just a coincidence that by the time he was done Jared would already be asleep and he would be exhausted enough not to dream. 

_ Just a few more minutes…. _

“Jen?” Jared’s tired voice came from the doorway. “Are you coming to bed?”

“Yeah, of course. I just need, like, five more minutes here and then I’ll be there.” He smiled brightly before going back to the papers on his desk.  _ Just a few more minutes. _

Jared huffed and stepped into the study. “You said ‘five more minutes’ two hours ago. And you said ‘ten minutes’ an hour before that. Either you’re finishing that now or you’re not going to bed at all, which is what you’ve been doing for the past week.”

_ Damn it. _ “Jared-”

“What is going on with you? And don’t say you’re fine, because we both know you’re not.” Jared stalked towards the desk. “You’re having nightmares, you don’t talk to me, you’re not sleeping and you’re barely eating. Something is going on and you’re going to tell me what it is.” 

Jensen really loved how assertive Jared was. That defiant spark is what made him so interesting and he wouldn’t trade that for the world. But sometimes it was more irritating than endearing. “Jared, don’t you think if there was something wrong I would tell you?”

“I used to,” he said. “But lately I’m not sure.”

Jensen could honestly say he had no idea how to respond to that.

But Jared wasn’t done. “I thought I could read you really well and I trusted you to be honest with me about things like this. But now…. I don’t know. I feel like lately all you’ve been doing is showing me how little I actually know about you.” He sighed and stood in front of Jensen’s desk. “I know I can’t make you tell me anything and I’d never push you to talk about something you weren’t ready to talk about but you’re really worrying me. I just…. I need you to know that you can tell me anything.”

Jensen stood up, walked around his desk, and kissed him softly. Maybe he could say something, just get it all off his chest. And maybe Jared would come to his senses and leave him for a less fucked-up mess. “...Go to bed. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Jared huffed and nodded. “Yeah, sure,” he muttered, heading for the exit.

He paused and turned just before clearing the doorway. “Do you remember when we went to my sister’s wedding? You remember how those assholes treated me and how I just put up with it? Do you remember what you told me after our first night there?” He didn’t give Jensen a chance to answer. “You told me I didn’t have to deal with it alone. You told me you were there for me, no matter what, and you had my back. You _ begged _ me to let you be on my side, to let you be supportive and protective of me. Do you remember that?”

Of course he did. That was the day he realized he just might love Jared. It was their first kiss. He’d never forget that day.

“Why won’t you let me do that for you?” Jared asked, quieter this time. “Why won’t you let me be there for you, help you deal with whatever’s going on in your head? We’re a couple, Jensen. That’s what couples do, they have each other’s backs. They trust each other and lean on each other and let each other help. Why can’t you let me in?”

Jensen didn’t know what to say. It’s not that he didn’t have an answer, because he did, but would Jared accept it? Would Jared let him honestly say that he’s scared? That he loves Jared so goddamn much that he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t make it without him? That he has so much shit buried in his mind that it scares him sometimes? That there isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t wonder what the hell a saint like Jared is doing with a devil like him? That he’s had all this inside him so long that he’d not sure he can let it out? And that he’s pretty sure if he did, Jared would realise Jensen isn’t the man he loves at all?

No. He couldn’t say that.

So he said nothing.

And Jared left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter of this and then we can go back to our regularly scheduled fluff and spice playlist!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> 
> I was gonna wait until later to post this (bc suspense) but it's done now and I need a break to focus on other, fluffier things for a bit so here take it enjoy

Jared and Jensen hadn’t spoken for a week. Neither of them were happy with it but neither of them were doing anything to fix it either. It’s not that they didn’t want to, it’s just…. They weren’t sure how. 

Jared believed it was possible to move forward, he just thought Jensen needed to make the first move. He was the one who pushed Jared away, he needed to try and pull him back. Or maybe that was too harsh and he should just try and talk to Jensen again. But what would he say? What else did he have to say at this point? Jensen knew he could come to Jared if he needed to talk about anything. It was a matter of whether he wanted to. And if Jensen didn’t want to tell him what was wrong…. Then that was his choice.

Jared wasn’t going to think about where that left him.

Jensen had gone out for the night, just like he'd been going out every night since their argument. He didn’t say where he went, Jared didn’t ask. Maybe he should. The longer this went on, the less chance there was that they’d come back from this. 

Maybe Jared should call him. That’d be a good first step.

His phone rang after a few minutes of this internal debate. It was Jensen. He couldn’t help but think that something must be wrong for that to happen.

“Hello?”

“Jared?”

“Yeah. Jen, what’s wrong?”   
  


“I…. I have a flat tire. I have a flat tire and I never got around to putting fucking jack in the truck so now I’m stranded on the side of the road and….” He paused and took a shaky breath. “I honestly wasn’t sure you’d pick up but I didn’t want to call anyone else.”

Jensen didn’t want to call anyone else. He wanted Jared’s help. That was a win.

“Okay. Where are you? I can come help you change the tire and...and then we can come home.”  _ Please come home. _

“...Okay.” Jensen told him about where he was and Jared assured him he’d be there as soon as possible. He went to the garage and filled a duffel bag with tools to change a tire. He debated calling one of Jensen’s men to drive him out there but settled on calling an Uber to take him a few blocks away from the address. It wasn’t a perfect solution but it would do.

When Jared arrived, he saw Jensen sitting on the hood of the car. The car that did not appear to have a flat tire. Or any kind of problem. That’s when he noticed the tear tracks on Jensen’s cheeks. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Jared sat on the hood next to him. “I was worried about you,” he admitted quietly. “I was actually gonna call you but then you called….” As much as he’d wanted to talk, he had no idea what to say now. Jensen had clearly called him for a reason, but why? And why did he lie about it? Why had he been crying? Just…. Why?

“Why do you love me?” Jensen asked softly. “There’s a million people in this world...hell, even just this city, that you could be with and you picked me. Why?”

Why did he…? “Because you love me. Because you take care of me. Because you’re one of two people that I know will always have my back. Because if it hadn’t been for you I might’ve kept living in the ‘work-home-sleep’ cycle for the rest of my life. Because you make me happy. Because it feels right. Do you really think I’d be here if I didn’t want to be?” 

Jensen wasn’t looking at him, hadn’t since he first walked up. Jared wanted to reach out and put a hand on his shoulder or hug him but he wasn’t sure if he should. 

“I know I’m not the easiest person to be with,” Jensen said suddenly, breaking the silence. “I know my work puts you in danger and I try to keep you cooped up to make up for that. I know there’s things that I don’t tell you about and I just act like it’s no big deal when it probably is. I know...I have things that I don’t want to talk about that I probably should. A lot of things that I don’t talk about.” He chuckled humorlessly. “I don’t talk about them because I know…. I know what I’m like. I know my life hasn’t exactly been normal. I know my life has been fucked up six ways from sunday since the beginning. And I know...I know if this shit bugs me then it’s gonna freak you out even more and…. And that scares me more than anything because what happens when I freak you out too much and-and you just leave? Where does that leave me?”

Well. That...was a lot to process. “Jensen, I-”

“Don’t. Just...don’t.” Jensen looked at him, eyes full of unshed tears and a mild dose of anger. “Don’t sit there and tell me it can’t happen, because I know it can! I know damn well why my mom was hardly ever around, why she always traveled abroad and barely talked to me after Dad started training me. I know why people don’t stick around after I bought them the shiny thing they want. I know why people are always nervous to accept money or favors from me. I fucking know why and I don’t need you to lie to me!”

Now Jared was angry. “Don’t tell me how I feel! I knew what I was getting into when you first asked me out. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to a relationship with you. Sure, I freaked out a little bit when my shop was attacked but I never thought about walking away,  _ never _ . I helped rescue you from my abuser and I  _ killed _ for you in the process. I am putting everything I have into staying here, consequences be damned! So don’t tell me that I’m just gonna run away from this, from you, because that’s never gonna happen. What do I need to do to get that through your thick skull?!”

Things fell silent after that, but neither of them looked away. Jared wasn’t sure if it was a dare or a challenge or if there was just nothing else to do but he didn’t even blink. 

“His name was Jason.” Jensen’s voice was quiet, so quiet Jared barely heard. “My friend that I killed. My first kill. His name was Jason. I was fifteen and we were good friends. A little more than friends, actually.” He smiled sadly. “For a long time, he was my second. He was also my secret boyfriend. I hadn’t told anyone I was gay back then because I knew how Dad would react and Jason was the only one that seemed to understand. I shared a lot with him and he gave me a lot of firsts. Then he betrayed me. I’d arranged a gun sale and he tipped off the cops; I never knew why. Not that it mattered; he had to die regardless. So Dad fast tracked my torture training and I had to take him out. I think that was the first time I realized something was wrong with me, in the head I mean. Killing him was almost easy. I barely felt anything when I shot him between the eyes. Felt more like I was cleaning up a mess than killing a person. Or maybe I just compartmentalized it because it’s bugging me now. Or...maybe it’s you, giving me feelings and making me human or some kumbaya shit like that.”

Jared moved closer and hugged him. He knew what it meant for Jensen to tell that story so candidly. Being open and honest about something traumatic wasn’t easy, even if you trusted the person you were with. He knew that well enough. So now it was his turn to show Jensen that it didn’t matter; he still loved him and was happy to take whatever risks went along with that. 

He waited for Jensen to hug back before he spoke again. “Come home,” he murmured. “Come home and we’ll talk about the rest later. Right now,w e could both use a shower and a little sleep, okay?”

“...Okay.”

Jared allowed himself a small smile. He could work with this. He got Jensen in the passenger seat despite his grumblings and got the perfectly-functioning car back on the road. 

“Can I tell you another thing?” Jensen didn’t wait for a response. “When I came home the other day and called you a bunch of times? I wasn’t just being paranoid. I mean, I was, but I had reason. Sort of. I mean-”

“Just say it.”

“...When I was eighteen I came home and Dad had been murdered. It was all quiet in the house and he didn’t answer when I called and…. It just took me back and I thought…. I thought I’d find you dead.”

Jared nodded, hands tightening on the wheel. That was...unexpected. And definitely not something Jensen should’ve been dealing with alone all this time. “Anything else I should know?”

“Probably,” Jensen admitted. “But I’m tired and I’d rather not unload my entire life right now.”

“Okay.” He could live with that for now. But there was still one more question.

“Jensen, I’m not complaining, but why did you call me?”

Jensen was quiet for a few more moments before speaking. “I was driving, duh I know, and I just…. I wasn’t paying attention and I almost hit a dog. I didn’t but it was close and I just pulled over and thought...what if it hadn’t been a dog? What if it’d been a car or a person or the guardrail? I...I didn’t want to go out when- without talking to you.” 

"Jen…."

"I know I screwed up. I should've told you what was going on instead of locking it up and hoping it would go away. But that's just not how I'm built. I'm gonna work on that, I promise, but I'll need your help sometimes." Jensen pat his thigh. 

"Like tonight?"

"Let's hope we don't get this far again."

Jensen was not perfect. He wasn't a bad man but he was flawed. He was also capable of change. As concerned as he is, Jared is going to take that promise as a win.


End file.
